The Dominion Times
by Snowyflakes
Summary: Hyrule's finest source for the latest news. Sunday 11 August 2013: "Princess Zelda Does Not Excuse Local Hero".
1. Link's Law Allows for Decent Mushrooms

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Link's Law Allows for Decent Mushrooms in Hyrule**

_Sunday 24 April 2011_

After being convicted of possessing illegal mushrooms, local medicinal shop proprietor Granny must now inform her surrounding neighbors of her new status as a convicted felon. "Those mushrooms were being put to good use," Granny swears. "We use those mushrooms to concoct potions to heal the sick."

Others are not so impressed. "I do construction work, and I work every day to rebuild Kakariko Village," says local worker John, wiping his moustache. "To find out that they had a shop in the outskirts of the village all this time... it's just heartbreaking. I mean, I could have gotten some stuff at any point in time."

Supporters of Link's Law, named after an adventurer who had gone practically an entire journey without the aid of any mushrooms, rallied in Castle Town earlier this week. "We can't just let convicts out willy-nilly and not keep the public informed," said a local juggler in the Market Square. "Think of how much time it saves in having to find some good shrooms."

And time saving it will be. "I work day and night," says John. "Twenty-fours hours to make sure this village gets back on its feet. My only down time would be taking some shrooms on the job."

"It might even mellow out the cuccos," says local Kakariko inn worker and cucco lady. "They can get real riled if you taunt them in the slightest." When asked if mushrooms would mellow herself out as well, the cucco lady responded, "Oh, I'm sorry. I've never tried them. I wouldn't know. I'm sorry."

Even Castle Town's Happy Mask salesman has to be on something. "Mushrooms? Oh, I tell you, I don't have time to get anything good, so I just have to settle with what that creepy old hag that lives by the gate is selling. Usually pretty terrible." And in a whisper, "I swear it has to be grown by Poes or something. You can leave that off the record, right?"

After completing a number of ridiculous tasks, Link has now proven himself worthy of buying his own stash off of Granny. "It's fantastic! I can get it as a legit mushroom, or I can have them stewed down into a potion... the possibilities now are limitless." Link never gave up the fight for some decent shrooms in Hyrule, and finally citizens are following the example.

* * *

><p>Been a while, huh? Haha, so I've always wanted to do some sort of Zelda newspaper, but didn't know how to go about it until my co-workers embarrassed the crap out of me about not knowing about the whole government shutdown. The most news I get is what I gloss over the tabloids when I'm checking out at the supermarket. (What is up with all this "Teen Mom" shit?) So in an attempt to get me back into the real world and out of so many textbooks, I thought, why not write a newspaper parodying real life issues and events, like Onion-style?<p>

This is actually article number two, but it works better to have this one posted before the actual first one. I have some friends making a move out to Colorado and it seems that all anyone can talk about with them is how medical marijuana is legal there. This is the ending result of that conversation.

Opinions, please, and any suggestions on issues or events you want to read about are most welcomed and thanked. I'll see you guys in the next article!


	2. Adventurer Attacked by Cuccos

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Adventurer Attacked by Cuccos**

_Tuesday 26 April 2011_

A young adventurer was hospitalized earlier this week after being attacked by a hoard of cuccos. Link, the victim of the attack, woke up last night and was available for questioning this morning.

"I don't know why they came after me," the tattered adventurer claims. "I was just minding my own business when they came at me. I couldn't fend them all off."

A landlady, who wishes to remain anonymous, pulled Link from the assault says otherwise. "Oh I saw him," she says, standing just outside her inn, arms crossed. "He was messing with [the cuccos] and beating on them. It's no wonder they all off sudden ganged up on him." She sniffs, "He even tried to ride one off the roof."

Link denies any fault in provoking the cuccos.

"They're dangerous," he warns. "I'll die a happy man if I never have to deal with a cucco again."

After refusing the breakfast he was offered, which consisted of cooked eggs, he says, "What would really be nice is if I could get some mushrooms. Would really help with the pain."


	3. Princess Ruto Adopts Entire Village

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Princess Ruto Adopts Entire Village**

_Friday 29 April 2011_

Well it has just been finalized and confirmed that Princess Ruto of the Zora tribe has adopted the entire Kokiri Village. "I just had to have them all," says the Princess on the never-aging bastards.

Princess Ruto began seeking to adopt a child after continually being spurned by hero and adventurer Link, who grew up in the village for the most part of his childhood. "There was this hole," Ruto says, "that I just had to fill, and I couldn't think of a better way than to pour all my obsessive love onto a village of children. I couldn't just take one."

"Do what?" said Link in response to Ruto's actions. "I always knew she was a nutter. Did you know she thought we were engaged when we were like ten? Who does that?"

Ruto defended herself from Link's statement, saying, "He accepted the Zora Sapphire from me! I don't care if he had the hots for Broomhilda or whats-her-face!"

Despite Ruto's glaring social inhibitions and lack of tact, the village children are all excited to join the new household. "What do you mean she's a fish?" says newly adopted Kokiri Mido. "Ugh, does that mean we're all going to smell like ass? Fuck that. I'll stay living in a tree stump."

"She's just trying to compete," tells Link to _Dominion Times_. "Princess Zelda saved a wolf a few months back, and [Ruto] has to feel overshadowed somehow. It's like those guys that drive the really big and tricked out carriages. Compensation."

"I'm 'compensating'?" Ruto says, furious at Link's accusations. "He's the one trotting all around the country on some giant clydesdale. Those aren't riding horses! Why doesn't he get a regular horse?"

Ruto was not available for comment when asked if she could pick out what was a "regular horse".

* * *

><p>So about Arvidius' review:<p>

The one headline that made me say, "Holy shit, I wish I came up with that": "Politics: Hyrule Supreme Court rules timeline "Squiggly" shaped. See A1 ". I cannot tell you guys how much I enjoyed that one. It's pretty fantastic.

Read Arvidius' review. Those headlines are awesome. Make you laugh, bust face!

Trying right now to write an article on the Gerudos rebelling. See you next time!

:D


	4. Harkinian's Dinner Kidnapped!

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Harkinian's Dinner Kidnapped!**

_Sunday 1 May 2011_

This past Thursday, Harkinian, the King of Hyrule, called a press conference in the market square of Hyrule Castle Town. Standing as a man in distress among his people, Harkinian put in a desperate plea for the safe return of his dinner.

"It was going to be the best dinner I ever had," Harkinian sniffles to _Dominion Times_. After honking snot the size of a third-world country into a tissue, "I just want it to come home."

When asked what caused the delay in his press conference, Harkinian confided that Hyrule law enforcement disallowed him to make any sort of report of a kidnapping until a twenty-four hour time frame had been met. "You have to wait about a day," says Mark, a castle guard, "just to make sure that there aren't any false reports, and time and man-power isn't wasted. For all we knew when [Harkinian] first caused a panic, the dinner could have just ran away. That sort of thing happens when dinners such as that are hot and fresh."

Apparently Harkinian's Wednesday dinner is now being held for ransom. "It could be half way to Termina!" Harkinian wails. If Harkinian does not pay the five thousand rupee ransom, the dinner "gets it", which is most likely to infer that it will be dumped unceremoniously off the side of a boat.

Unfortunately, despite the crises, the Hyrule Royal Council refuses to allow Harkinian the funds to rescue his dinner. "We cannot let some ruffians get their way," says a councilman. "If we pay this ransom, we'll have to pay the next. It's a slippery slope to bankruptcy!"

Other than stating that Harkinian could spare a meal to lose a couple of pounds, Harkinian's daughter, Princess Zelda, declined to comment on the fiasco.

The culprits at this time are unknown.

"We'll just have to wait it out," says Mark. "It's an unfortunate situation, but there's not much we can do at this point. It sure would be a tragedy if it has to come to [the dinner] being sacrificed. "

"We must let it go," says another councilman. "Yes, it's sad that dinner may go wasted, but it is for the betterment of our population as a whole and for all future dinners."

When it was suggested that Hyrule's very own hero Link go on a daring rescue for the dinner, he promptly refused. "Look man, that's about what? Fifty or sixty hours of my time to go on this insane quest. I'm not getting paid. In fact, it's more a pain in the ass than anything to go running after stupid shit for people," says Link. "I have more important things to take care of."

Link was unavailable for further comment as he went back to drowning his misery in Chateau Romani with troupe leader Gorman.

"Please, just don't hurt my dinner," Harkinian said at his Thursday press conference. "I just want to see it returned to my table. I'm very hungry."

**In Other News:**

"Freak Skulltula Children Win Lottery"

"Invention of the Coathanger Blows Hylian Minds"

_New studies show that bathing more frequently is indeed healthier, what do you think?_

"'Bathing'? Oh, does this mean that it's going to rain more often now?"

- Malon, Lon Lon Ranch

"I just kind of wash myself off of all the monster blood and guts and the dirt and the general grime in the Zora River. People don't drink from there, do they?"

- Link, Adventurer

* * *

><p>It's the story I've always wanted to cover.<p>

Thanks for all the comments, guys! I enjoy hearing from hearing you. Stay fresh, mmkay?

:3


	5. Gerudos Explode Farm Life

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Gerudos Explode Farm Life**

_Saturday 14 May 2011_

This past week the Gerudo tribe has begun an explosive and violent rebellion in the western desert to overthrow tyrant Ganondorf Dragmire.

Currently, the Gerudo Desert is Hyrule's only transport of cows, but with the rebels attempting to control the region, transport of Hyrule's livestock is virtually null. Rebels, without access to horses, have taken to stealing the cows as means of transportation. However, with the cows' lack of ability to do anything worthwhile in battle, many of the rebels have taken to attempting to attach makeshift cannons to the backs of the stolen livestock.

"This is absolutely ridiculous!" cried Gorman in a Tuesday interview. "I came all the way from Terminia to bring my troupe to Hyrule, and I can't get a lousy glass of milk with my cookies? This is just terrible!" Gorman refused the offer of a glass of fresh spring water. "What are they doing out there? Leave those cows alone!"

And if only the Gerudos would. With the makeshift cannons attached to the cows, the occasional - or frequent - death of a cow is alarming to Hyrule citizens.

"If the cost for cows rises, what will happen to the price of milk?" asks Malon, a Lon Lon ranch-hand. "It already costs what? 200 rupees for the oh-so 'gourmet' imported Chateau Romani? That's just absurd! How much higher do milk prices need to go?"

The Hyrule Royal Council didn't seem to offer much insight on the situation. "We have to let them be!" one councilman argues. "If we step in this mess, what next? Will we have to send troops all the way out to some places like Holodrum?"

King Harkinian could only sniffle into his handkerchief and say, "I don't expect [the Council] to agree to make any moves regarding this situation." Harkinian blew an outrageous amount of snot into his handkerchief before wailing, "They wouldn't even send out a measly search party for my dinner!" Harkinian refers to his kidnapped dinner, which has now been missing for about two weeks.

Harkinian's daughter declined to agree. "Really, a _dinner_? I hardly call that worthy of anyone's time," says Princess Zelda.

"I can't believe he even asked me to go after it," tells Link, Hyrule's very own swinging swordsman.

Princess Zelda recounts, "And you're doing what now? If you won't go on a rescue mission for my father's dinner, you can just use your new found free time to go take some control out in the desert."

"Well excuuuuse me, Princess; I'm one man! Why don't I get a squad or something?" After Princess Zelda reminded Link that he had fairy for back-up: "What? You mean Spryte? Seriously, her name is Spryte, doesn't that make her a sprite, not a fairy?... Or are those the same thing?"

Unlike Princess Zelda, King Harkinian was more impressed with how Link's swordsman skills also included how he could get his equipment to "_ping!_" in the heat of battle. "I just love the way he gets his shield to shrink back into his belt!" comments Harkinian.

Others in the government seem to want to take a more hands-on, pro-active approach in rectifying the situation in the west. One councilman claims that Hyrule needs to send in troops, if only to simply just reclaim what's left of the lost livestock. "We must show that we will not tolerate such recklessness! What if Hyrule's mainland is next? The situation must get under control."

"Did they say anything about my dinner?" Harkinian asked while wiping his nose.

Princess Zelda was less enthused. "Oh please, sometimes you let your dinners sit around so long with your 'bonding', I'm surprised you don't just attempt to teach them to read."

**In Other News:**

"35-Year-Old Man Claims Fairy Status"

"Swordsman Planned on Peeping at Royalty: Gets Slapped Instead"

**News in Brief**

**Rufians Petition Outside Hyrule Castle**

A rowdy group of known thieves petitioned in Hyrule Castle Town at the gates of the Castle in attempt to overturn current Royal Council policies regarding the payment of ransom.

"We work hard to take other people's money for nothing," says one man. "I mean, come on? How are we supposed to make a living if [the Council] won't even lift a finger for kidnappings?"

The Royal Council declined to comment, claiming that doing so would inadvertently address the grievances of "drunken, lazy slobs".

* * *

><p>I just love those <em>pings!<em>

Sorry for the delay, been busy getting my ass kicked with final exams and allergies.

After some correspondence with Arvidius: I think we must be humor soul mates.


	6. Crop Circles Possible Sign to the Future

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Crop Circles Possible Sign to the Future?**

_Friday 3 June 2011_

Termina, like Hyrule, is experiencing a shortage of cows. For approximately three weeks now, cows from Termina's Romani Ranch have been mysteriously disappearing in the night. Interestingly, large circles in Termina's crop fields and grasslands have begun popping up.

A Hyrule wiseman and fat man, Rauru, has also taken notice of the strange occurrences in Hyrule's neighbor. "Now, I know I've spouted off a lot of conspiracy theories in my day, but this is it!" Rauru claims. "Aliens must be trying to send us all a message, and we must invest time into decoding it!"

Many of the circles, when viewed from above, actually create intricate shapes. "See, look here," says Rauru. "This one looks like a crow!"

Others are not so quick to agree with Rauru's claims. Romani Ranch owner, Cremia told reporters at _Dominion Times_, "My little sister believes it's ghosts. She's been blowing up these balloons all around the ranch for target practice and only referring to the ghosts as 'Them'."

Cremia's younger sister, Romani, named after the ranch, has taken to nightly stakeouts in attempt to catch the culprits, or in her case, ghosts.

When asked her opinion on the ghosts or aliens, Cremia responded, "I don't believe it. I have my suspicions on who's behind this though, and it's ridiculous to think that it's something supernatural."

Romani Ranch's neighbors, the Gorman Brothers, refused to comment, scoffing in distaste at the ranch sisters.

Other Termina residents are more wary of the situation. "I don't know if it's aliens or whatever," says one citizen. "I actually thought at first I was just hallucinating all the weird stuff going on, but then I knew for sure I was coming off of the shrooms... Well, actually, I still don't know what's going on."

King Harkinian broke down in tears at press time when showed the pictures of the mysterious crop circles. He was unavailable to comment whether he thought the circles were an elaborate prank or contact from other life-forms as he was too preoccupied wailing about how "that one" looked like his kidnapped dinner, now missing for little more than a month.

"This is no mortal's doing!" Rauru tells reporters at press time. "We ought to be preparing for disaster! Why else would aliens leave us pictures of crows and- and well, actually this one looks sort of like a chu-chu than a deku scrub... but this one here is totally a redead."

Rauru further insists that disaster is to befall the lands, claiming that the failed prediction of the May 21 rapture was indeed a fluke on his part, but "this is the real thing."

**In Other News:**

"35-Year-Old Fairy-Man Mysteriously Disappeared: Citizens Unconcerned and Relieved"

"Astronomer Says Moon Predicts a Poor 'Bay Shore' Season: Viewers Disappointed"

"Hyrule Sage Claims Rapture to Come Within the Next Five Months"

"Lake Hylia Scientist Upset Over Woodchucks Chucking Research Wood"

* * *

><p>I'd like to say that I'm done making fun of the LoZ television show, but I can't stop making dinner jokes, especially since, as Kayla said, Link is an insufferable, arrogant ass. But his equipment <em>pings<em>! Sorry.

I've been trying to write personals and such, but it hasn't been working out. One day, one of them will not be crap. I swear.

:s


	7. The Last Word

**The Last Word**

_Saturday 4 June 2011_

**Drug War**

"It's mind blowing to me to find out that its ex special forces that are fueling the drug trade in Holodrum. Why doesn't Hyrule send some of its special forces over to Holodrum to take care of the situation and let Holodrum pay for it?"

"This idea of 'Link's Law' is just ridiculous. How can we allow criminals to wander in our community like that?"

_"Link's Law" calls for convicted drug offenders to inform neighbors of their prior convictions after they are released from serving time._

**Costmart**

"It's a terrible idea to put a Costmart in Kakariko. I hardly call the old Skulltula House a prime spot. There's most certainly not enough room for Costmart, let alone have the allotted parking for horses and carriages. What are you people thinking?"

_"Skulltula House" refers to the House of Skulltula in the south end of Kakariko._

"I would like to see Costmart come to Kakariko. I think a space closer to the road up Death Mountain would be a prime location. It would make for easier access to both Hylians and the Gorons."

**Riding Along**

"To the chicken shit who egged my horse the other night: Fuck you. You chipped the leather on the bridle."

"Well it's official. Hylians simply can't ride a horse. Why is it every time I try to go to the Market I'm stuck behind some idiot that rides at a trot? Really? We're on a highway, at least gallop, for Dinssake. We have speed limits but that doesn't give you a right crawl at a turtle's pace."

**Does Anyone Know?**

"I'm looking for a sheep to make wool. Does anyone have one to give away for free?"

"I recently lost my hook up with a skull kid from the Lost Woods. Would like to know if anyone else has prime shrooms for sale."

"Belooooooooogaaaaa!"

"I'm looking for some cheap labor for the summer. Does anyone know of any hardworking children available for the summer months?"

"Does anyone know what happened to Tingle? He is young man that lives with his father, and he hasn't seen him a few days. He usually hangs around outside my shop talking about fairies and selling maps, but hasn't stopped by in a while."

**Cheers and Jeers**

"Jeers to a certain medicinal shop for disallowing me to purchase my stash without a medical permit from a doctor. Some of us can't afford to go to one, you know."

"I recently went to see Madame Fanadi in Hyrule Castle Town. She is wonderful and gave me many great predictions, one of which has already come true! Although, I had to turn the young man down for a date; he just wasn't my type."

"Cheers to Granny for once again providing quality products and service."

"I highly recommend Link if you need your lawn trimmed. He is incredibly skillful with a sword and his grass cutting can't be beat!"

* * *

><p>Seriously. One of our local newspapers doesn't run comics, instead we have this, and it's just as good, if not better. And after I woke up to find my car egged this morning (the only one out of all the cars parked in the street!) by some douchebag, I was like, "Shit! I should write to the Gazette. Wait..."<p>

Yes, the paint was chipped. And the car is not even technically mine.

=:I

P.S. No dinner jokes!


	8. Grouchy Man Seeking New Archenemy

**THE DOMINION TIMES**

**Grouchy Man Seeking New Archenemy**

_Monday 20 June 2011_

I am looking for someone with to do battle with on a fairly regular basis. Maybe not daily, but I don't want to wait around forever. And maybe I could win every now and then. Just maybe. My last archenemy played hardball every time. I couldn't put up with his shit anymore, so I had to dump him.

We can meet wherever, I'm not too picky, like on top of boars or a carriage chase, maybe even in a floating castle over a deadly bottomless pit. I do prefer giant deadly towers with lots of annoying minions. It's cool if you want to have a posse yourself, my last guy had like seven other people backing him; so long as all of you don't come gang up in our personal fight. There's a difference between just having a battle and an ass beating, you know?

I'd like my next archenemy to be fairly young, healthy. If you're sick, you'll be too weak, and that's just boring. So somewhat strong, but not like Super Sayian 3 strong.

Some other requirements:

Not blonde

Preferably no glowing ball of light as a sidekick

Costumes okay, but please, no green tunics

Must be available on weekends

Having a princess as an acquaintance a plus

Kokiri need not apply

Please let me know if interested right away. I'm pretty out of practice right now, so I'd like to get this started as soon as possible. Like, I think I probably couldn't even take on the Postman's challenge at this point.

Please reply soon.

**News in Brief**

**Hylian Detectives Suspect Foul Play**

A local map salesman by the name of Tingle has been declared missing since earlier this month. After a thorough investigation of Tingle's home, it has become apparent that it is highly likely the 35 year-old was abducted from his home at the start of the month.

Tingle's father and employer was too distraught to competently speak to reporters at press time, crying out, "Why did he have to go and chase those damn fairies?"

* * *

><p>New car tomorrow? Still no loan papers back to sign. No papers. No papers. :(<p>

Thursday? YES. Super stoked.

:O


	9. Researcher Upset Over Woodchucks

**Researcher Upset Over Woodchucks**

_Thusday 28 July 2011_

Lake Hylia scientist recently caused an uproar about nuisance woodchucks chucking his precious research wood. The scientist, whom wishes to remain anonymous, listed his grieviences to Dominion Times.

"It's just upsetting," says the scientist, "because I've spent so many hours categorizing and studying those chunks of wood, and those damn hooligan woodchucks are mucking it all up."

"My research!" he gestures out to Lake Hylia where several logs of his prized research wood floated on the surface of the water. "Look at that! Floating with those Zoras and getting Nayru knows how many different specimens on them that don't belong! Absolutely disgusting!"

When asked if he would have to restart his research on Hylian wood, the researcher scoffed, "Of course! I've lost everything to those woodchucks."

Dominion Times asked the researcher if he would consider moving his project to another location, so as to avoid the woodchucks from "mucking" up the project again. "They'll come for me," he swears, "I just know it.

"This is a call to whomever: I need someone to get those woodchucks to stop chucking my wood! Price is no object."

* * *

><p>Heeeey. Finals done. New car picked up. New novel in the making. New job? Possibly. Good-bye retail? Ooooh my loooord! This must happen.<p>

Beach trip this weekend for sister's birthday, so I will see you guys after that! Soon. Hopefully. I'm pretty stoked about everything right now.

8D


	10. Princess Zelda Doesn't Excuse Local Hero

**Princess Zelda Does Not Excuse Local Hero**

_Sunday 11 August 2013_

She first excused him in September 1989, so it comes as a shock to all find out that after almost 24 years, Princess Zelda will not excuse local hero and adventurer, Link. This most certainly creates a new precedence, leaving the green clad hero with an uncertain future. "Like, I'm not even sure what this means! I've _always_ been excused before!" he cried when interviewed by _Dominion Times_. "Is she gonna give me the cold shoulder or something now? What? She's never done this before."

Often accompanying the hero is the fairy (sprite?) Spryte. According to her, the discord started after once again foiling the evil Ganon's latest plot. "The princess is perfectly capable of handling herself in battle, and he just _had_ to go on and showboat about how he saved her from something or other. I wasn't really paying attention. Did you know Link sleeps in the same tunic he wears _every day_? It's disgusting."

Smelling ripe in his famous green tunic, which he seems to be determined to never take off, the hero scratched the back of his neck as he mulled over the future with _Dominion Times_ reporters. "I know it's been hard on her lately and all trying to handle her father. It's been a couple of years, and it's just time for him to accept that maybe he won't see his dinner again. I don't know." The dinner which Link speaks of was made famous across Hyrulean publications after its 2011 kidnapping and ransom. The ransom was never paid in part to dissuade "lazy, ungrateful hooligans".

It was suggested he try and apologize to the princess, but the hero didn't seem to hear.

_Dominion Times_ reporters tried to reach Princess Zelda for comment as well, but she refused saying that they were "not excused".

* * *

><p>I don't know where I got the inspiration to write this, but I'm glad I found it. I have been feeling so blue about this whole newspaper thing for months and months and months (ie: since I started writing <em>Zombie Cake<em>), and I"m not even sure if anybody is reading this anymore. I have a couple of other ideas, so I'm hoping to put a little life back into this. I'm gonna cry. Snuffle. IF YOU'RE OUT THERE, SAY SOMETHING.

:'D


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